I'm in LA, b*tch!

Last weekend here, and I'm definitely feeling bittersweet about leaving where I've called home for the past 4 weeks.

Night life - amazing, gorgeous and interesting people, the shopping satisfying, weather's pretty good, and beaches that never stop.

But, that's only the half of it. The other half comes with TFA Institute and its many things that are both f'd up and fabulous. The work is hard, draining, angering, and rewarding... and it's all rooted in what we have come to call "student achievement."

My thoughts on institute itself have thus far been pretty negative - institutional racism is a real problem that exists on a fundamentally real level that you can both see and participate in. A participation that makes you wonder what you're actually doing here and also forces you to question how and why so much can be overlooked regarding inequity, race, class, diversity, discrimination... you know, all those things that I learned to unpack in my years as an ES major. And then seeing how colorblindness enacts itself became a reality. The dangers within that have pained me relentlessly, but also force me to survive.

But, as much as I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired here at Institute, there also comes with it 7 and 8 year old 'kiddos' who brighten up the experience with their genuine spirits that are learning to learn in a world that often tells them that they cannot. My fellow corps members and I are all here to change that, and that's an exciting thing. Especially when we get that positive reinforcement of the data we get to see and the drawings they make for us on the back of their assessments (whales, me in my tie... and in a dress, tigers doing math, hands drawn into turkeys, and little love notes here and there... i've been favorited as a teacher by a few of my students), we are made aware again that somehow, the struggle is a little bit worth it.

No change...

without resistance.

No matter how hard we struggle to do what it is we do, there will always be change. But, also, there will always be resistance to that change. And, even still, there is no resistance without change.

This cyclical habit of change and resistance has become somewhat tiring; however, I remember why it is I do the work that I do every time I am in the classroom. But I'm still tired. of bureaucratic bull shit. of getting four hours of sleep in a night. of institutional everything. and even though I know I'm growing, when I'm so tired, it almost feels like the steps backwards that I know I am taking are leaps and bounds in the wrong direction, away from who I am(was). As much as college was a part of me and everything that it was, there's a time now to quickly occupy that space of my identity with a new one. One that is day by day redefining itself as "teacher."

It's (almost) the end...

of a long week here at induction 2009. At least, I'm finished teaching until Monday. Excited about it, but also have mixed emotions about not being able to teach tomorrow. What I've realized is that the short and sweet and chaotic and crazy 50 minutes I get with my students is time that I've spent recognizing how fulfilling it feels to be in the classroom. finally. Teaching.

It was a humbling experience, and one that I'm so excited to continue.

Things like being able to help a student at the board who is struggling through a problem or sitting one on one with a student about his role model, Reggie Bush, or getting back assessments that were perfect and showed mastery of what I had taught them. But it's not only the students that I've already fallen in love with, it's also my fellow corps members and mentors that are keeping me going.

It's strange, going through this week together. Realizing that all of us get little to no sleep every night and struggle to stand in front of a classroom and command attention while empathizing with their every word to hopefully do some kind of good. The struggle is real, the work is difficult, but the outcome of closing the achievement gap becomes that much more tangible with every minute we get to spend in the classroom learning how to become better teachers. It is here that we 'learn to teach,' and that is a powerful thing to be able to do.

I Teach For America because...

I decided that it was high time to do an update that just answered all the logistical questions of where and when and how and why... and because I need to catch up with others too, and hopefully this is a first step to reconnecting :)

Currently, I'm in Los Angeles at Loyola Marymount University for Institute Training for Teach For America (teachforamerica.org). Pretty much, I'm teaching summer school for five weeks. I'll be teaching 3rd grade for the next 5 weeks, and I'm currently learning how to do so.

This means waking up at 5:30am. Every. weekday.

Life decision I've made: to try and do this whole summer institute without coffee. We'll see how long I last.

Today was the first day, and it was somewhat of an awful painful and glorious new beginning.

In the past few months, I've been busy graduating (read, tearing out my hair writing two theses) and just finishing up college life. Turn around was super fast, but I got to see a few people, and I definitely missed out on seeing a few before I headed down to Cali (let's get together when I head back up north!). Graduation was definitely bittersweet, and I'm definitely missing my Eugene folks and friends and chosen family :)

As far as my next steps... I'll be back in San Jose come early August (hopefully in time for Joseph's baptism!) to continue my training at Rocketship Elementary (http://www.rsed.org/about.html), where I'll be teaching 4th grade literacy. I'm excited to get into the classroom and finally start applying all the stuff I've been hearing about but not able to live out. Closing the achievement gap is definitely something that I've joined as far as movement wise... but I still got my issues with TFA itself as an organization... that'll have to be another post though (read: diversity, poc, inclusiveness, multicultural policy, demographics, whiteness... "Diversity Workshop" is on Friday. Wish me luck, I'll be callin people out left and right with the support of my fellow PoC and white allies.).

For relaxation, I'm definitely lookin forward to exploring LA and hangin out with my fellow corp members. Pretty excited to go out, hang out, chill out... it'll be good times. Let me know if you're in the area!

Hope all of your summers are well, and it would be great to hear back from you with what you're up to! Take care!